My Beloved Mum

Friday, May 11, 2007

201005-Mum, today is my birthday but somehow its not the same when you are not around. Never felt so helpless and hopeless and lonely. I am so so angry with Dad. I brought him for his cataract operation one month back and he was so paranoid about going blind, wears sun glass at night, even dare not step out of the house, needs me to put eye drops for him everyday !!! He is so so useless!

Today I bought him a pair of old man’s spectacle for him and it does not require doctor’s prescription but he just got mad just because its not specially made as prescribe by the doctor. I was so frustrated that I went back to the office and work.

Mum, how did you ever ever go through life with him for the past so many years. I am so upset about it…Why did you have to leave me so early? Another 6 more days, its yr birthday.To think that I will be visiting you at the temple instead of being with you and wishing you Happy Birthday..

251005-Mum, one day before your birthday..Do you know what happened ? Dad asked me out to Macdonald and talk. I wondered what it was about. I got a shock of my life. He accused me of having an affair with Ah Di !! I had a big quarrel with him and he said it loudly in public that he will disown me. Can you believe it? The proof he claimed he has is a piece of paper that I wrote, what is love and private eyes and that is my song list that I am trying to download from my CD. He is just muddle headed, stupid and totally hopeless guy. He claimed his witness is his friend Uncle Jiang. And God knows what this Uncle Jiang said to him and he believed him. He dare not even show up when I called and confront him. I was so mad at him that I packed my clothes and move back to Punggol.

I called Aunt and told her everything. He is just so hopeless. Called Choo Jie and complained to her. And to think that all these has to happen one day before your actual birthday. I was so sad, so frustrated, so mad at him and I still am. Visited on your actual birthay. Do you know? Aunt, myself, Ah Siok, Jordon and Dad went to pray to you 2 days later. Did you get the stuffs that we burned for you?

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At the Temple

I made a visit to the temple on your second memorial year Mum.... Places like these tend to have a sobering effect on people, especially myself. It's Life's way of telling you - Someday you'll be here, so you better make the most of whatever time you have left. We come with nothing, leave with nothing - but to me, it is important that we leave something of value behind - Like what you did...Live and Leave A Legacy...Make a difference in life, in someone else's life; don't just choose to exist, choose to live.

A Motherly Love That Transcends Through Time

If there were such things in the world known as reincarnation, i hope that i'd be able to still be the son of Lee Hwee Hua... That would mean that we'll be reunited in every life that we have. I feel the same for this wonderful mum of mine..I'll love her all my life all over again.. A love that transcends through time is very memorable. It will be etched onto the stars that is never dying. It'd be a beautiful history that no other stories can compare. Mum, I love you !

Awareness

Life | Death | Separation What does it feel like to be separated? I finally know... being separated from someone in just the thin line of life and death is so sick. You feel the heart wrenching pain, devastated, and your heart is aching so much it feels like everything is tearing you apart. You cannot concentrate on your work even though you think you're strong. You cannot hold back the tears even though you seem to have prepared for the worst. You cannot fight back the pain within your heart even though you think you're insensitive and numb to all feelings. You feel like letting yourself go and sink below the deep blue ocean. Its tough to get rid of the pain and difficult to let go of the aches its causing you. You feel indignant about losing to the satan who snatched her. You feel angry for losing her to eternity, never be able to see her again. Even though you do not want to let her go or even to let her release the grip on your hands, it seems to be a futile attempt to try to hold onto her tightly coz its not gonna work at all. If only there is a miracle that can happen ...

Died and Came Back

How does it feel to die ? What's the feeling of death ? We probably wont know..I was very close to it when I decided to end my life few years back. Had it not been Jac who contacted you and dad, I probably would have been gone..unconscious at home..and died due to overdose of pain killers.. I thank myself everyday now to be alive and breathing..and how stupid it was to commit suicide... Mum, it was heart wrenching to have decided to let you go...I can imagine the pain you will go through If I had left this world the other time.. I promised myself to live a fulfiling life for you..I love you Mum !

What is Love

Love is a sad melancholic story that puts you through the grinding stone to make you feel hurt and sad. Love is a tale full of depression that makes you want to fall into a deep trap and never be able to get out of this because you're drowning. Love is a fairytale that is being cursed by the witches' spell that puts two souls under the most traumatic times. Love is miserable when one has to wait ... If love has to be forever waiting then why do we need love for? If love has to be forever longing then why do we need love for? If love has to be forever pinning then why do we need love for? Love is not a bed of roses... its a bed of thorns ... Can there be someone who can reverse all these? To make love be love again? To make love be happy again? To make love be full again?

True Love Means

A guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot... ..who calls you back when you hang up on him... ..who will stay awake just to watch you sleep... ..the guy who kisses your forehead showing his tender loving care... ..who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats... ..who holds your hand in front of his friends... ..the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you... ..the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her"...and that's how I am...

If Love

If love causes such pain to the heart, i'd rather not have love, If love has so many conditions attached to it, i'd rather not have love, If love lets my tears fall down, i'd rather not have love, If love causes so much misery, i'd rather not have love, If love is desguise of pain, i'd rather not have love, If love is so frivolous, i'd rather not have love, If love is so unsettled, i'd rather not have love, If love is a rollercoaster ride, i'd rather not have love, If love is comes with a heavy price, i'd rather not have love, Why ...does love come with so many 'If's??? Its torturous, heart wrenching, pain wrecking n makes one feel vulnerable, weak and so in conflict ... If love is just like that, I'd not have love...anymore....

About Love

Absence makes the heart grow fonder - does this phrase always come true? Absence makes the heart drift apart - doesnt this phrase come true all the time? What is the truth about love? If a couple were to have a cool down period, then what? Will the absence make them grow to love each other stronger or will it have the reverse effect? If the separation made their love grew stronger, then its all good. If the separation made this flame died out, then its all good too since no one is gonna get hurt. What if only one party is drifted away? How does the other try to reconcile this 'broken' relationship? How does one rekindle this flame again? Isnt it all too mind boggling? Isnt it all too tough to try to salvage the relationship? Is there any sure way of salvaging a relationship? I dont understand love at all. Its so complicated and still i havent any answer to the puzzle of my heart!

Facing Challenges

How does one react when facing a seemingly unsurmountable challenge? Is there a right way to respond to it ? or is there a way at all ? In the face of such challenges, it is easy for one to experience negative emotions and be in a negative state. Once that happens, we lose our focus and the experience is just like dragging yourself through soft muddy ground - you expend a lot of energy in moving, only to discover you've only covered such a small distance with each step. Then more discouragement sets in, turning it into a vicious circle. But what causes the negative emotions? I believe it is due to expectations, fear and stress of not meeting the expectations of self and others. I think the greatest tool we can use to avoid this is to remember that some day the one up there will summon us - and when that happens, all that's not real suddenly doesn't seem that important after all. While we are feeling vexed over certain issues, if you were told that you had only 24 hours to live - how would that change the way you feel? Put yourself in that assumption, imagine that 24 hrs is all there is left for you from this moment onwards (which could be a reality for you or me, because we have no control over such things). Then you begin to see that everything in Life is transient, its temporary. We only rented this place. Our current good fortunes, challenging obstacles are merely passing experiences in Life for us to learn about ourselves and the world - which I personally believe is for spiritual and personal development. So, live your life and give your best in whatever things you do...

Expectations

Woman & Their Expectations About love, to me its best to remain as friends...and to move forward, the only thing to be is good buddies...nothing else. If you place a woman into the category of 'prospects', then u're putting some expectations on her. Expectations is a scary thought...u may think of her being nice but she may turn out to be nasty and rude. u may think of her as a faithful lover but she may turn out to be a 2 timer. u may think of her as a mature lady but she may turn out to be a mummy's girl. When reality no longer matches the expectations you have placed on her, you'll feel disappointed at first ...as more of her 'flaws' surfaces, u'll feel a sense of hurt and finally heartbroken because she no longer matches what u have thought of her in the first place. A sense of loss overwhelms you and has taken over all your rationale feelings. You'll no longer know how to think rationally about what she does and how that is NOT to affect you. Its still best to place her in the category of friends because no matter what the friend does, she'll never ever break your heart. No expectations = No heartbreak

A Promise

Promises....are not meant to be forever.... People break their promises every now and then .... When people make a promise and they cant deliver, they make others feel disappointed and sometimes its so frustrating because of non-deliverance and the disappointment they get. However, if one take the promise with a pinch of salt and not have any expectations out of this, then everything seems to be easier. No expectations meant that one wont have to deal with any disappointment. No expectations meant that the person wont be letting you down. No expectations meant that the outcome will either be a bonus (when he/she fulfils it) or a null (when he/she breaks the promise). So.....What is a promise? I'll never take promises because i never believe that anyone can promise me anything.

Insensitivity

I guess I must be the MOST insensitive guy in the entire universe. I have someone who'd do things for me but it completely went pass me without me noticing. Well, not entirely swept passed me, but there are reasons why im insensitive. I cant let my feelings flow and overrule my head coz thats when i get myself lost and stuck in a whirlpool, unable to get out of the mess. I dont believe that i'd be that lucky guy anyway to capture her heart. I dont want to be too sensitive and later have someone tell me in the face 'Im only friendly to you, nothing else' that hurts me a lot, a lot ... so i try to be insensitive and treat everyone like a friend and nothing else. Im not playing hard-to-get but im trying to rationalise myself and not getting myself caught in a maze. In the end, my insensitivity seems to have made me a sinner. I'm not sure why this happens ... Love does hurt too much and the only way to protect myself from being hurt is to be insensitive.

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Worries | Problems

With increasing competition and sophisticated technology ever "helping" to increase our productivity, we are expected to handle concurrent and multiple things in life today. Even children these days are not spared... We are handling more projects at work and have to effectively manage our personal lives and provide for our families, take care of kids, etc. It's no wonder that more people are getting depression nowadays. The point I am bringing across is one's focus on problems and worries. One of the issues about a fast-paced developed society is that while the society progresses rapidly in the material sense, many individuals are unable to keep up psychologically. Many people are beginning to lose sight of what's important to them in Life. Is it really worth it chasing after material success which you can't take it with you when you are gone ? Isn't there more to Life? Yet most of us hardly find time to reflect on all these issues because there're simply too many problems and worries to focus on. No matter how much we do or what we do, we will never totally be able to eradicate problems. Due to time limitation, our attention span is also limited - there will definitely be some things that we will overlook as we try to find our balance in Life. This is when "problems" start to infiltrate into our lives and worries starts to flood in. It's almost as if our Creator had a hand in it...I believe we were designed to make mistakes and have problems in Life. If we get too fixated on problems and worries, we analyse and paralyse ourselves and miss the whole point of living. In this case, I suggest that we should remove our own imaginary chains and redefine our meaning of what Life is about. Problems help us to grow - we might not be able to solve all of them and create a perfect Life because there is no perfect life. What's important is not the solving of the problem, but the process of solving - that helps us to grow physically, mentally and spiritually. And that's what matters..

My Last Words

When do we start preparing our last day on earth? or should I say when do we know the day that we are leaving this rented place ? The fact is that we dont and more often than not, we dare not even think about it..because we cant embrace the fact that we will die one day...The word "Death" itself is already a taboo word. It is often when "the unfortunate thing happen" that our family members start to think, panic and do what is necessary. I dont wish to come to such a stage. While I am still alive, I would like to detail down everything that should be passed down. As I continue to blog about my thoughts, my life, I will continue to add on to the things that I would NOT want to be done for me when I am gone..In the event that I am gone expectedly or unexpectedly and its only evident when I no longer update this blog..I would like my readers..if there's "any" to contact my close friends that I do have a blog that I keep and to help fulfil what I detail here.